Forgive my rant...

Well, it's been one long week since my last post. And I hate to say this- but I'm counting down to the end of the school year. There's no worse realization than to notice that you're wishing your life away. I became painfully aware of this as our wedding was approaching. Of course, my relationship with Josh gave me a lot of new meaning and love for my life. That made me want to cherish every day and every minute in hopes that life would feel forever long. I really wanted the wedding to hurry and get here, but I didn't want it all to be over. I promised myself I would thoroughly enjoy the engagement, and I did. It was the other elephant in my life that made me count down every single day. I have multiple calendars and lists of dates with each day giddily crossed off. What could make me so happy for my beautiful life to be passing by? Work.

Now I'm sure most teachers count down to the end of the school year. We all know the feeling of looking forward to summer break, even winter and spring break. But I go into work every day just wanting the day to be over. If I never saw any of my students another day in my life, I would be happier. If my building were to explode and I never walked through it again, I'd be happier. I could even stand to be "let go," Apprentice-style where you go straight home without saying goodbye to anyone. And that's the part that makes me really sad. I dislike my job so much that I'd be willing to walk away from people I actually care about without ever saying goodbye.

I don't doubt for a second that I was cut out for teaching. I know I was. But I wasn't cut out for the children in my school or the administration who is afraid of them. I think on some level we're all afraid of them. I'm afraid of when they reach voting age. I'm afriad of when Josh or someone else we know is their boss at work and they treat the boss with the same disrespect they treat me and the other adults in their lives. I'm also afraid for them. I just don't know how they're going to get by in life having the attitudes they've been raised with.

The school system, administrators, counselors and teachers are perpetually trying to figure out how to help the kids who continuously fall behind despite having potential. The bottom line is that something has to come from within them if they're going to succeed. Just like you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, or change someone who doesn't want to change, you can't teach someone who doesn't want to learn. And the hardest part of teaching is trying to instill the desire to learn and succeed. I teach a culture of students who believe that they do no wrong. They draw no line between adult and dirt. They speak to teachers and peers alike with attitude, disregard, and disrespect. They are not responsible for their actions, grades, or words. One day they all believe they'll have a job that pays them infinite amounts of money for the same amount of effort they're putting into their education now - none. They are all better than everyone around them, and those people should know it.

I started teaching because I wanted to make a difference in children's lives. I wanted to help kids learn and grow up to be productive contributors to society. But it's incredibly disheartening, discouraging and disgusting when for 7 hours a day, every day your hard work and tireless efforts are thrown in your face by the very people you're trying help. It's frustrating enough that they're totally engrossed in conversation while I'm teaching or while they're supposed to be working on an activity. But the frustration is ten fold when I interrupt them to encourage their participation in the lesson and they respond to me like I'm beneath them. A good example is when a student entered my classroom yelling the F word. I calmly (because this isn't unusual in my school) said, "you need to watch your language." The student snapped back almost before I ended my sentence, "I ain't watching my language!" As in, don't tell me what to do lady, I'll do what I want and I dare you to stop me. This is sixth grade, 11-year old children. I've had others tell me that they run the school. Who would spend 30 years of their precious life putting up with such abuse? Despite my efforts, they might not ever achieve their dreams, but they're ruining mine at the same time.

Right now I am working on my master's to become a school counselor, Lord knows these children need some serious counseling. But even with that, is there anything that can undo 12 years of improper child rearing? I hate to make this comparison, but like criminals when sent back into their former environments, these kids go home to the same bad habits and lack of guidance that has turned them into who they are. I don't know if any teacher or counselor can counteract that.

"Weo" Turns 3

Yesterday did turn out to be a snow day. The weather did not produce as much snow or ice as was forecasted, but the forecast was enough to scare school officials and you won't find me complaining about that. Josh took off work and stayed home with me. It was a very exciting day full of nothing. We slept in, had breakfast, watched 30 Rock, showered, at lunch, watched 30 Rock... you get the picture. Eventually we finished the one season of 30 Rock that we own and moved on to Season 1 of The Office. Eventually we went back to bed and that was about it. I know what you're thinking... why would someone write a blog about a life so boring??? And if you've read my first post, you would know that was my fear when I started this thing -- who would want to read about me?

So far today has been a lot like yesterday. The weather is still kind of ugly and we're still in pajamas. We had breakfast and watched another few episodes of The Office. Then Josh wanted to play Rock Band and I wanted to redesign our kitchen using the Ikea Home Planner I dowloaded. You enter the dimensions of your room, and then you can choose your cabinets, countertops, appliances and layout and see the whole thing before you ever spend any money. It's not a photograph by any means, but it does give you an idea. My computer is kind of old though so it can be slow and frustrating. Several times the program has shut down on me due to "errors." I don't know if it's the program or my system that's causing that. Anyway, later today we're going up to E-burg for Leo's third birthday party. I can't believe he's three! I also need to find a present for him at some point today. He told me he wanted a dinosaur, and my sister told me "no toys." So I have to find something dinosaur-related that isn't a toy. Clothes? Puzzles? Books? We'll see. I saw Season 1 of the Smurfs in the Target ad today, I was tempted to get that and I still might if I can't find anything else I like. There's nothing wrong with some old-fashioned quality children's programming.

I guess at this point - 1:15 p.m. - I should be getting dressed and thinking about hitting up the stores. Have you noticed that I've blogged more often lately? Go me :o)

One is the Loneliest Number

It's Thursday, usually my favorite day of the week, and I'm home by myself. I'm almost never home by myself and the truth is -- I hate it. I used to be super independent and didn't mind being by myself. I moved into my own apartment and never felt scared about living there alone. But now that I've spent so much time being with someone every single day and night, my imagination runs wild when I'm home by myself. Having Sheppie helps because I know he'll bark if he hears something I don't hear. Unfortunately, he barks at everything he hears that I don't hear and sometimes it's too quiet for a sudden loud noise. He startles me and then I want to scold him for it. I'd rather just have Josh home.

Anyway, my night is going to consist of Chick-fil-A, whatever NBC has to offer (since that's the only channel we get) and a lot of window watching while I hope for some serious snow. Currently I'm half-watching "My Name Is Earl" just because it's on. Before tonight I've only ever seen the very end of the show where the two men are always in bed together, and that's only because it's ending when our shows start on Thursdays. That bed scene has always kind of creeped me out, and what I can see of the rest of the show it's pretty creepy too. After this is Celebrity Apprentice. I can at least tolerate that... and let's face it, is anyone creepier than Donald Trump?

Who am I kidding? My brain is on the weather. The forecast for tomorrow is positively dreadful and it looks like we might get our first snow day of the school year! I know I shouldn't count on it, and we told all the kids "see you tomorrow!" as they were leaving this afternoon. Still I can't help but hear the news and think -- there's no way they're sending us in with a forecast like that. I think timing is on our side too. The snows we've gotten so far this year have been mid-day or afternoon and once we're at school it takes a lot for them to send us home. That call also has to be made by 10 a.m. so anything that starts after that is worthless. But tonight, things are supposed to get started around midnight, and turn messy around 8 a.m. -- a teacher's dream! I just have to hope things go according to the forecasted timeline.

And in the mean time, Josh is still out. He was taking a 4-year old friend of his to see High School Musical at the Hippodrome tonight. I was supposed to go but decided that after work all day and then class until 6:30 I wasn't going to feel up for rushing downtown to watch High School Musical. I've seen more of that than I care to as it is. We're not that far from downtown either, but he had to drive the little guy back to Eldersburg after the show before coming home which is way out of his way. Hopefully the weather holds out entirely until he gets home and then it can snow like crazy (and it better). I think I need some milk & cookies while I wait. Thanks for keeping me company tonight. This is probably a pretty lame post since it doesn't really say anything, but I needed someone to talk to while I sat here all night alone :o)

And hey, if we're both lucky maybe I'll be here again tomorrow!

Buyer's Remorse

So far we've been absolutely thrilled with our little house. We've painted a little bit and talked a lot about some of the fun changes we'd like to make in the future. Nothing has been immediate though, because our house was in great shape when we bought it. It was only built in 1999. However, today we made a huge mistake. We've been seeing some signs in the neighborhood advertising a new subdivision of brand new townhouses right down the street from us. On a whim while we were out we decided to drive down and have a look at the models. Ouch.

For starters, they were huge. They all have 2-car garages...on a townhouse! Then we went inside. They were gorgeous with 9-10 foot ceilings, top-of-the line spacious kitchens that had sitting rooms with couches and coffee tables. One kitchen sitting room even had a fire place. One model had 4 bedrooms, the other had 3, all were larger than our bedrooms. The bathrooms were also huge. Did I mention the closets? We're talking 2,000 square-foot townhouses here. And of course, everything about them was brand-spanking new which made us feel like our house was barely beyond frumpy.

It was a sad experience in that we wished these puppies had been built a few months ago before we bought. Also, we wished our house had the space and feeling that these did (you would have never known you were in a townhouse). At the same time, we figured if these places are selling down the street for a baseline $400,000 then that only increases the value of our place. Plus, we had the opportunity to walk through a brand new model to see exactly what kinds of things are sellling houses these days and get ideas for how to update and upgrade our own humble abode.

We started a list as soon as we got home of some of the big improvements we want to make. Top of the list is fresh paint. That's the cheapest update we could think of. Right below it, and what we felt was most important, is new flooring throughout. We have a nice laminate wood floor on the main level but hate the linoleum in our kitchen and let's not start on the three different varieties of carpet (two different kinds in the basement alone -- it changes right in the middle of the room). We want a darker wood on the main level to add some sophistication and a nice ceramic tile for the entry and kitchen. We just plain need new carpet for the basement and upstairs. We actually took a little time to stop in Lowes and price some flooring that we liked. Right now they're running a tempting offer of 20% off special-order flooring but it's not something we're ready for just this minute unfortunately. We figure we'll save up for a bit and when we're ready we'll wait for a similar deal and go for it.

Sometimes the home-improvement list feels like it will never get done. You imagine all the things that could make your house perfect and then realize that by the time you can afford to do all those things it'll be time to move. That brought us to a whole new discussion in which I expressed my desire to stay put as long as we can. We have three bedrooms so I figure that gets us at least through two children and possibly a third if we have them share rooms. Josh and I both shared a bedroom with our siblings for a huge part of our lives, so our children can suffer through the same. If anything, it will strengthen their bond.... hopefully.

In the mean time, I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm going to be doing some serious painting in the near future. Hooray for freshening up the little space we call home :o)

A day off...

Thank God for elections, for many reasons including the day I get to be off work. Josh surprised me and took off work also when he originally only told me he'd sleep in with me a little bit. So sneaky my husband is. We did sleep in a bit, and when I realized it was 9:00 and I could still hear him in the office, my suspicions raised. I was right - he was staying home with me. Fortunately he has a job flexible enough that he does that quite often - taking off work when I have days off. It's really nice, and I look forward to that in the future.

So we began the day with pancakes, yum, and watching Friends. We've been working our way through the entire series and are now on Season 9. Rachel just had Emma. I'm kind of sad that it's almost over. I have no idea what we'll do when it's done. Since we don't have cable, and the writers have been on strike, there is very little to watch on actual television. I'm sure we'll jump right into a season of something else. And there's always Arrested Development! (Which you should watch, if you haven't). After pancakes we voted. It was neat. I won't go into my "Social Studies Teacher Rant" on why you should vote and how important it is, but I hope you voted too. When we got home it was basically time for lunch, so we ate again... and watched more Friends. It was a really exciting day off, as you're seeing.

It was after lunch that we kind of settled into our own activities and things we wanted to get done on our day off. For Josh this meant cleaning up the office, filing papers, making administrative phone calls to places like Lowe's. For me it was reading a chapter on psychoanalysis for school tomorrow night and making a post on Blackboard for Thursday. The best part of this (and my day) was when Josh picked up his guitar and began playing along with his iPod and singing to me while I read. I once told an ex-boyfriend (who asked) some of the things that I thought were really hot in a guy, and playing guitar was way up there on my list. The guy couldn't play and actually got really mad because he fit none of the things I listed. But it all makes sense now. I'm sitting in the office working on my life goals of being a school counselor, and my husband sits in the background playing guitar for me. It was just a moment that couldn't have felt more like a dream come true for me. And then I add on top of all that the fact that my husband is this guy from high school that I once thought didn't really care for me, even though I thought he was such a cool kid. We went years barely in contact with each other and now we're married. It's definitely the coolest thing to ever happen to me.

And while I write this he says out of nowhere, "Thanks for marrying me." And that's how I know that I am the luckiest. :o)

TGIF

I know it's actually Sunday and not Friday, but the title does play into the story I'm about to tell. See, two years ago tonight, a friend and I met up for drinks. We hadn't really hung out together for quite some time except that he had thrown a party about a month earlier and I went to it. We started talking more after that and around the beginning of February decided we should get together sometime soon for drinks to catch up. Since it was close to Valentine's day and neither of us had dates, we said we'd get phone numbers for each other while we were out. That night we met up after work at TGIFriday's in Reisterstown. We ended up having such a wonderful time talking and laughing even though we never got phone numbers for each other. We started hanging out more often after that. I went to other parties he had, and he came over to watch tv and hang out at my apartment. By the end of May we were dating, by August we were engaged, and a year and a half later.... we're married!

So tonight, Josh and I thought it would be fun to eat some of the extra wedding cake we had to celebrate! It's not the top layer, that we'll save for our anniversary. But his mom did have everything else wrapped up and sent home with them. So we had a bunch of cake, and apparently our families feasted on the dinner food for the whole week we were away in Aruba.

We were sitting under a blanket his grandmother made us on the couch watching tv and I said, "if you had told me that night that in 2 years we'd be sitting together under a blanket your grandmother made us for our wedding, I can't imagine what I would have thought." I love taking time to marvel at our relationship and really think about how blessed we are that things turned out the way they did.

As they say, it all happens for a reason :o)

The Zone

So much for the regular posts that I talked about last time. I thought I would be less busy after the wedding but I really don't feel like I am! So since I had a free minute I decided I'd post at least something. I've been meaning to for a while now.

Right now my students are doing something like what was D.E.A.R. when we were little. Except theirs is called "Reading In The Zone." It's weird, but it's 20 mintues of silence when I sometimes get something done. Today I didn't really have anything pressing to do since I had a cancelled meeting this morning during which I got much done. I started out reading Laura's blog, and then realized I had already read most of it. So I decided it might be a good opportunity to write something in my own blog.

"How's married life?" is something that everyone's been asking since the wedding. And I always say, "so far, so good!" because really what could go wrong in the first month? Life is very much the same for us as it was before the wedding because as we had said many times, marriage is a state of mind. It doesn't feel any different. It feels like you had a big party and a big vacation and now you're official. I guess people expect that it would feel like a big change and for some I know it is. For us, we had been married in our hearts for a while by our actual wedding day.

Unfortunately I haven't yet had the time or patience to attempt posting pictures on here like Laura does. Her blog is full of the cutest pics of her baby and their little family. She posts regularly and they're always hilarious. She's really my blog mentor. I aspire to blog like her. But the good newsis that our photographers are mailing out our preview package this weekend and the pictures should be posted online by the end of next week. Hooray! Then we'll be able to share them all with everyone. That was the second most popular question after the wedding - when do you get your pictures? I'm very excited to look at them myself on top of being able to show them to all the family and friends who have asked for them over and over.

And on one last sad note before my 20 minutes of silence expires... the schedule is about to get busier again next week. I begin my second semester of grad school on Wednesday night. I'll be in class on Weds. from 6:45-8:45 and Thursdays from 4:30-6:30. Both classes will be at the Columbia campus which is a blessing because it's basically across the street from our house. That will maximize the time I get to spend at home also. Last semester I was commuting to Rockville on Wednesdays and that was rough.

So hopefully I'll have fun and exciting things to post on here soon.... for now I must go. It will be my goal not to wait as long between posts as I did this time. Wish me luck!